Irritable

Chemo affects your brain function. You experience different problems such as forgetfulness, mind dullness/fogginess, and so on. One of my biggest "brain" issues is irritability.

When I was in the middle of chemo, I was very very irritable for at least two days. I used to bark commands left, right and centre. People around me, usually my closest family, thought their head was about to be bitten off all of a sudden. The irritability came and went, but it was worst just before mealtimes. (No surprises there - mealtimes delivered much needed nutrients. The irritability is just a sign that the brain is low on something).

Now, months after chemo, I still get bouts of irritability. They come at me out of nowhere, make me feel like a very irritated sabre toothed tiger, and I never really know how long they will last. 5 minutes? Half an hour? An hour?

It's really very hard to describe just how irritable I feel, but it's nothing like I've ever felt before I had chemo. Normally when you feel irritated, you feel irritated by something - and if you can remove the source then your irritability goes away. Sometimes you cannot remove the source, but you can remove yourself from the situation. Once again, problem solved.

My chemo irritability is nothing like that. It's not caused by anything. There is no reason for it. I can be in the most peaceful setting, and all of a sudden I just feel very ... very ... very irritated.

At times like these, I usually try and sit in a nice quiet spot, and just think to myself that it's not going to last forever. Sometimes, I have a snack too. But most of the time I feel too irritated to be able to organise a snack. I feel too irritated to be able to ask someone for a snack.